It was just time.

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Peace.

It's a very quiet drive.
The Kleenex in the car is beginning to pile up like the snow outside.
My mind runs forwards and backwards, replaying the vision of my tiny baby inside me.
We pray.
My emotions take control, and I fall apart.

We wait for so long, yet I'm frightened for my turn.
We walk into someone's everyday workplace, but my nightmare.
More waiting. More fear.
Our encounters are friendly, sincere, heartfelt.
They must have seen the pain in my eyes.

An unexpected peace.
Where has it come from?
I've been flooded with the word by so many, but thought it only a term used when one is unable to relate to my heartache.
Peace was unimaginable, unattainable, unbelievable for me at this time.
How could I ever find peace through my devestation?

I'm separated from my comfort, as he's been by my side through it all.
I worry about him having to wait through the unknown.
How does he process such pain?
His love for our sweet baby is just as great as mine.
He is strength and love to me.

I'm kissed goodbye and led to my fear.
I'm lying there with my arms stretched out.
Tears roll down my face soaking the pillow beneath me.
The doctor whispers he will take good care of me and holds my hand.
The nurse holds my other hand and offers comfort.
I am told:
Breathe. Breathe.
Just rest and breathe.

I'm reminded many hours later, about a moment in my grieving the day before.
I prayed for a miracle, asking the Lord to breathe life through me and into my baby.
I listened and felt that I was to lay on my bed with my arms stretched out.
I heard:
Breathe. Breathe.
Just rest and breathe.
I'm reminded of this moment as I was begging God for what I wanted, now realizing the peace He was giving.

Peace. Am I finding peace?
Does God really heal the brokenhearted?

I stare and can't help but replay the last few days through my head over and over.
I still ask why.
I still have tears falling down my face.
I still fall asleep crying, and wake up with tears.
I'm still so sad.

But in these moments my faith is restored.
In this time of my greatest fear, my deepest heartache, somehow I find peace.
Unimaginable, unattainable, unbelievable peace in my eyes, but somehow found through someone greater.
And peace came to me.
He found me.
He rescued me from my world that was consumed with pain and fear and hurt and heartache.

I am thankful to know a real God.
A God who brings peace.
A God who heals the brokenhearted.



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I am.

I am numb, but I am overwhelmed by feelings.
I am alone, but I am covered in thoughts and prayer.
I am scared, but I am protected.
I am afraid, but I am reasurred.
I am hurt, but I am loved.
I am weak, but I am strong.

I am His, and He is "I am".


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This day.

(I write these for myself on my blog to journal my days and memories. These were my thoughts for this day...)

This day was supposed to be so different.
This day was supposed to be a celebration.
This day was supposed to be full of joy.
Instead, devestation.

This day I was looking most forward to.
This day I thought would be a memory to stay.
This day was most on my mind.
Now I just wish it away.

This day I feel like I can't breathe.
This day has broken my heart.
This day I've felt no greater pain.
Now where to start.

This day I've questioned God.
This day I've questioned myself and others.
This day I never saw coming.
All I saw was a sister or brother.

This day my eyes are almost swollen shut.
This day has stained my face with tears.
This day I've cried for hours and hours.
Now I'm only left with my fears.

This day seems like a bad dream.
This day I wish I never had.
This day has been unreal.
My heart hurts and is so sad.

This day I lay beside my husband.
This day we lay together and cry.
This day we ask each other and wonder.
Why did our baby have to die.

This day is still the day that the Lord has made.
This day I'm trying to rejoice and be glad.
This day oh God teach me what you want.
Help me find good from the bad.





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A funny feeling.

It's funny feeling the way I do. Tomorrow we find out if we're having a boy or girl. With three boys, that I love to death and would not change for anything, I've been verbal with my wishes this time around. I want a girl. There, I said it. I've actually said it alot. I've even been out shopping and picked up a couple girl things on sale, just in case. And when asked anything about children by a complete stranger (or those starring eyes wondering, "Is she? I don't know and I don't want to ask), they get the full story of I have three boys and I want a girl. I've even made a new friend at the bank this week who can't wait to hear the news Wednesday. I know of so many stories of all boys, then they have a girl! And so many of all boys, and more boys.

My due date is July 11, my birthday. Now, isn't that our first clue?! Isn't this my birthday present?

Parker has told me for several weeks now that it's a girl, and that Jesus told him. I love that. I showed him a little outfit and said, "If it's a girl, she will wear this." He said, "Well, she's going to wear it because it's a girl." Then he said, "You can just tell the doctor we don't need to look because I already know it's a girl." How does he know to say that to me? I love it!

I feel like this pregnancy is different, even though they all have been a little different, this has been the most unique. I feel like I'm carrying different and I'm fine eating chicken! I have hated chicken with all of the boys!

Is this all just in my head?

With all that said, I don't know how to feel. What if I'm wrong about this "hunch"? What if I've said too much, that I really want this baby to be a girl, and then it's a boy? Poor baby! And then, what if it is a girl?! How will I react? With the other three pregnancies, I've never been convinced I was having a girl, so I wasn't really shocked to see the sonogram and hear, "it's a boy". This time I know what I want to hear, but I know what I've heard three times before... can you tell what my mind has been consumed with? :)

Either way, it's a funny feeling.

My mind knows God has purpose for this baby and He knows what I need. He knows if I need that little girl in my life or if our journey has four wonderful boys that teach me new lessons everyday. He knows what this little one is meant to do in life, what it will be, the lives it will touch, and whether or not it will wear dresses and bows or ties and hats.

My mind understands this, but it just may take a little time for my heart and emotions to line up.

Such a funny feeling...

He knows and I do not. He is in control, and I am not. And that is good.




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Funny fellow.

Roman is always finding something to put on or dress up in. He put this on his head, then pulled it over his eyes and said he was cyclops. He is just silly and cute. My funny fellow.