Peace.

It's a very quiet drive.
The Kleenex in the car is beginning to pile up like the snow outside.
My mind runs forwards and backwards, replaying the vision of my tiny baby inside me.
We pray.
My emotions take control, and I fall apart.

We wait for so long, yet I'm frightened for my turn.
We walk into someone's everyday workplace, but my nightmare.
More waiting. More fear.
Our encounters are friendly, sincere, heartfelt.
They must have seen the pain in my eyes.

An unexpected peace.
Where has it come from?
I've been flooded with the word by so many, but thought it only a term used when one is unable to relate to my heartache.
Peace was unimaginable, unattainable, unbelievable for me at this time.
How could I ever find peace through my devestation?

I'm separated from my comfort, as he's been by my side through it all.
I worry about him having to wait through the unknown.
How does he process such pain?
His love for our sweet baby is just as great as mine.
He is strength and love to me.

I'm kissed goodbye and led to my fear.
I'm lying there with my arms stretched out.
Tears roll down my face soaking the pillow beneath me.
The doctor whispers he will take good care of me and holds my hand.
The nurse holds my other hand and offers comfort.
I am told:
Breathe. Breathe.
Just rest and breathe.

I'm reminded many hours later, about a moment in my grieving the day before.
I prayed for a miracle, asking the Lord to breathe life through me and into my baby.
I listened and felt that I was to lay on my bed with my arms stretched out.
I heard:
Breathe. Breathe.
Just rest and breathe.
I'm reminded of this moment as I was begging God for what I wanted, now realizing the peace He was giving.

Peace. Am I finding peace?
Does God really heal the brokenhearted?

I stare and can't help but replay the last few days through my head over and over.
I still ask why.
I still have tears falling down my face.
I still fall asleep crying, and wake up with tears.
I'm still so sad.

But in these moments my faith is restored.
In this time of my greatest fear, my deepest heartache, somehow I find peace.
Unimaginable, unattainable, unbelievable peace in my eyes, but somehow found through someone greater.
And peace came to me.
He found me.
He rescued me from my world that was consumed with pain and fear and hurt and heartache.

I am thankful to know a real God.
A God who brings peace.
A God who heals the brokenhearted.



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